Well hey there. Today is Monday. Friday, March 20th was my 30th birthday. I am now 30. I have been having a rough go of it the last few days, and haven’t been sure about how to approach this post. Please understand that what follows is simply my thoughts, my feelings, and how I’m processing this. I’m in no way suggesting others do the same. Everyone experiences things differently, and this is something that none of us have gone through before.
So far, I’ve been able to pinpoint these feelings:
I am lucky to work for a company that can help me for a short time before having to find another way to bring in money. This is where most of my anxiety and stress is coming from. There isn’t much I can do for my job to make money from home – so if I’m not in the office I don’t feel secure in my income. I don’t have a savings account, or a second income in my home. I live alone, all financial responsibilities are mine, and if I’m not working I can’t afford to live. I don’t have a roommate or spouse, but I also don’t have anyone else relying on me. I know that is weighing a lot on others.
Then there’s the fact that the way I most FEEL love from others is physical – hugs, cuddles, hand holds, kisses, etc. And in being stuck in my home ALONE for who knows how long is one of the worst feelings. I haven’t had any contact since a hug from a coworker on Friday, which means its already been 4 days, and it already brings me to tears. Yes, there are ways of staying in contact with others, and thank goodness for the Internet, but that doesn’t do it for me. I need that contact…
I am thankful that my front yard is Forest Park. We are still able to go outside for walks, and my next few hikes of the 52 Hike Challenge may be repeated around Forest Park. Actually, that could be a great way to get caught up 😉 I live close enough to the grocery store and the pharmacy to walk and stretch my legs if needed. After today we should get a break from the rain, and I can do a little exploring. Once it dries up out there I will be taking the bike out as well, if I’m able, and get some good cardio in!
I have been thinking a lot on how I want to use this time at home to progress RWP, create some content, build the business, and get things rolling. On one hand I want to bring in money quickly so I feel more comfortable, but I also don’t want to rush anything, because this is for the long haul, and I want it to be sustainable. Consistency is key here, and practicing the discipline of directing my thoughts away from anxiety to purposeful and productive is what my mind is busy doing. Writing this post is a huge help, and I have a list of things to focus on and play around with in the meantime – like working on my media kit, learning some guitar basics, learning how to use this sewing machine, and continuing to work out my body and eat well every day.
I also know that I need to be checked in on. I need to know there are people out there who are thinking about me. I am also reaching out to others daily to check in. No matter how introverted or extroverted we are in our normal lives, we need to be checked in on. Please don’t assume that because a person is posting on Instagram, responding to comments on Facebook, or checking in with you, it means they don’t need to feel connected to others and thought about. It means the world at a time like this.
In some ways I feel bad for feeling this way, but I want to be angry that this is how my 30s are starting. I came home from work on Friday (my birthday), and have been forced alone ever since. I’m all alone, and I can’t get this time back. The beginning of my 30s was supposed to be a big celebration with the people I care about doing fun things, and I’ve been all alone. But, being angry won’t do any good, and I am controlling what I CAN control, which is myself, my body, and my apartment. I’m taking this time to sort through all the physical and mental spaces, and hopefully by the time I can get back to my normal life I can get the party started 🙂 Also, it doesn’t help that all last week I was pms-ing like crazy, and the first week of my 30s is not only in quarantine, but I’m also on my period!
I don’t really know what else to write right now, but I will be back next week with Monday posts, and maybe an additional Thursday post each week. Continuing to build RWP is the most productive, soul-filling, and sane thing I can do right now. That and watch my way through my Netflix list.
I hope that all of you are getting along OK. I know things are tough, most feelings are relative, but its important that you understand all your feelings are valid. There is no certainty for 99% of people here, but we will all get through this. I’m just gonna need some serious hugs after all this.