This month has not been an easy. month. The last couple of weeks have been the most intense and emotional weeks I’ve had in a long time.
I have a whole blog post written about how important it is to get time to yourself, but now I have to keep the thoughts away of when I’ll get to touch someone again, have my hand held, cuddled with, kissed. I’m desperate for affection, but have to continuously remind myself that being alone is how life is right now. And I have to be ok with that. I took the love language test, and my two top ways of receiving love are physical touch, and quality time, both I have been deprived of now for weeks. I don’t know what kind of long term affect this could have, but all I know is I need to fill my love cup with seeing the faces of people I care about virtually, and accept whatever kind of connection and love I can get however I can get it for now. This sucks so bad.
I don’t even feel comfortable walking through Forest Park, or getting out for a hike, because most people don’t seem to understand social distancing. I’m still working out at home, and sitting on my balcony for fresh air, but its just not the same. I understand a lot of people are going through this, but damn. I’m so ready to have a person close to me.
I’m also battling with the ideas of allowing myself this time to process and rest, and to be productive and get things done for RWP while I have so much more time. Of course this would be a great time to get a lot of writing done, take photos for posts, etc. But at the same time, I have these underlying feelings of anxiety and loneliness all the time that are exhausting. I’ve decided that if I can do one thing a day, no matter how small, it will be moving me forward. Whether it be a writing blog post, Instagram post, responding to a message, posting the good foods I ate, or whatever it might be, it will be worth it. Ideally I pump out all kinds of great stuff, brands I love see it, and boom I have sponsorships or partnerships with great companies, but that’s not really how it works, is it? The key here is to keep consistent and honest with what I put out there. I can do this.
A girl can dream, and I’m turning those dreams into plans, and down to realistic action items to get to where I want to be. I still want all the same things – they’re just not happening as quickly as I’d like. My Passion Planner has been my raft lately. Daily journal blips, reflecting on the month, and keeping track of the things I can control is getting me through each day. Deep breaths, taking care of myself, and trusting that there will be a time when things feel back to normal is all I can do. Being back at work, even for partial days has been a huge help. I can see the faces of my work family, interact with people, and do work that makes me money. Doing my job has relieved a lot of my anxiety – knowing that I’m doing something to put money in my bank account feels normal.
That’s all I have for now… My brain is still full of thoughts zooming by before I can hold onto them to process and release them, and I feel like that’s just how its going to be for a while. I hope all of you are getting by ok. I know “ok” is relative now, but this will pass, and life will continue on. It will look different, and we’ll all be different people, but I hope you’re also taking this time to pause, reflect, and grow in some way. I am here for you if you need someone to talk with, and if the sun is out and its relatively warm I will be out on my balcony on Oakland ready to cheers from a distance if you happen to drive/walk by 🙂