Journal Post 1

Hey there! Wow it has been difficult to get the motivation train out of the station! Its not that I’ve been flailing around looking for motivation, it just feels like every time I sit down to get focused and write something happens or I just get frustrated. I’ve had the feeling of HAVING to make each post dedicated to something that will teach you or help you or offer you some kind of insight, but I’m forcing it. I’m putting too much pressure on myself, and I shut down.

I do not like feeling these feelings.

So I’m going to take a step back, get back to these journal-style posts, and get back into the routine of showing up and being in this space. It will all come in due time, and eventually the train will head out down the tracks.

My goal for now is to simply show up. I have this goal for many of my larger goals, actually. Just show up. Be there, be here, be on my yoga mat, be on the trail, wherever I am I want to be all there. I want to devote myself to whatever I’m doing in that space, and not put so much pressure on myself to perform the way I feel I should. I know my mind and my body, and it will be so much more effective if I just let it be where it is. Does that make sense?

I’m glad the holidays are over. It was nice to connect and catch up with family, but it was creating a lot of anxiety. It has always been harder during the holidays having divorced parents, and now I’m in a relationship with an amazing man who also has divorced parents, and there’s a pandemic on top of all that! So scheduling and gifting and virtual-ing and all kinds of things just piled up and (tmi coming atchya) affected me so much I just didn’t have a period! No, I’m not pregnant (parental units, no I’m not), and the only other time this has happened was the month in 2015 I turned in my thesis in wrapping up my MA. The beauty of being a woman!

My normal routine is coming back into alignment, and is much needed, but there are still stressors throwing me out of whack. What I need is balance. Balance amongst my routine and my non-routine. For example, I have a nice routine going during the week. I have my mornings, work, and evenings. Weekends are when I get my time with Denny since he works nights during the week. Its definitely hard at times to only get weekends, especially since that’s also our only time to see everyone else and do everything else. On the flip side it can be really nice at times to have my weekdays/nights to do our own things, and then come together on weekends. There are ups and downs to both. Right now I’m feeling that harder part of it, but I think I’m still just adjusting back to my life.

Most of my life is absolutely amazing, and the parts that aren’t are just in my head. They are things I can’t outwardly control, but I can control them in my brain, and that’s where the exhaustion is coming from. And the frustration. A lot of times it takes a lot of conscious effort to fight off the non-amazing things in my head, and to focus on what I can do in the moment. I acquiring a lot of tools for my mental health toolbox, and I can feel that its easier to climb whatever emotional mountains I come upon, but that doesn’t mean its easy peasy lemon squeezy, ya know?

Sooooo yeah. That’s where I’m at right now. I’m showing up for my workings daily, I’m journaling, obsessing over my Passion Planner and mapping out the roads to my goals of financial freedom and love and family and success in whatever form success looks like at that point, and stepping into the person I’m supposed to be and life I’m supposed to be living. I can FEEL that its just passed my fingertips, and I just have to keep going to get there. But, as I said before, I’m not forcing it.

Oh! Things have also changed a bit at work. I’ve taken on more responsibility, which has been a welcome challenge. Its a lot of new information to learn, and I’m now balancing two invoicing systems, two sets of customers, two inventories, two email accounts, and three (+1 overflow) phone line. I’m LOVING it! I don’t have much downtime anymore, which makes the days go by faster, and I think I was getting pretty bored with my job. This is a nice balance of still working with my team and my work family, but also a change-up in what I do everyday. Kinda feels like a new job without being a new job! With the plans I have for the next 3-5 years I don’t really want to leave for a different job to start a completely new job, and this has felt like a happy middle-ground when it comes to work.

Am I making any sense here? I feel like I’m going in circles. This is just me popping in to say hello, I’m still here, and there are things on the way that aren’t just the ramblings of an almost 31 year old that doesn’t have her stuff together.

Today I was given a selenite wand! I don’t know much about crystals, but I’m interested, and I do believe they can help with energy and guidance in meditation. Selenite is a perfect crystal for relieving stress and anxiety, mental clarity, emotional healing, and aids in making difficult decisions. I still have a lot to learn, but I’m so grateful to my wonderful neighbor for this gift. 🙂

It has been a couple days since I wrote everything above. I’ve been wanting to post, but the same feelings have been keeping me from it.

This morning I made a decision to change one thing in my life. For a few months now I’ve been subscribed to Imperfect Foods. I LOVE 99% of everything they stand for and do for our environment. They have one downside that has been affecting me, which is starting to snowball. They determine they day of your delivery based on your zip code. I use my mom’s address for a few reasons:

  • She is also subscribed so they just drop both orders off
  • Packages are often stolen off my porch during the day, and she’s typically home to accept packages
  • She lives exactly 1 mile from my work so I’m able to stop by to spend a little time with her while I get my groceries.

Here is why its a downside.

I have not been eating enough to accommodate the amount of physical activity I do. Before quarantine I had a routine of grocery shopping on Sundays, and meal prepping for the week ahead. Not getting my groceries until Wednesdays threw this all out of whack! So I want to get back to my Sunday meal prep days. I’ve found that when I get home from work and don’t have something already prepared or easily made I don’t eat much dinner. I’ll graze or snack, but not a full nutritious meal! So I need to set myself up for success throughout the week. Breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. I’m going to be more relaxed with my weekends, but during the week I want to get back on track. I NEED to get back on track. This will also help me to consistently add to the page of recipes I will be adding to this site 🙂

Here’s a selfie from an amazing winter wonderland hike from hike 1 of the 52 Hike Challenge this year! It was magical, and I think about it often ❤

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