journal, Life

Journal Post 2 – 2022

Wowza! Hello! Well, this year hasn’t started off quite how I thought it would. Not to say its been bad, but, unexpected. Today is March 4th. That means two months have already blown by, and I haven’t spent time doing much of what I thought I would. 

“I thought”. That’s already come up a few times in the first few sentences. Let’s dig into this, shall we? Then we (I) can move forward. 

First, I’m going to go through the not so fun stuff. This year has started off with losing my cousin, my great aunt, one of my favorite photo professors from Webster, and Denny’s pup that I’ve grown to love so much. That’s a lot of loss in two months, and I’m still navigating what life is like now.

Oof. It feels good to get that out there. 

And now for the thing that’s been in the forefront of my thoughts, my frustrations, me. 

I’m in my 30’s. Not just 30, but IN MY 30s. Mentally I absolutely love it. So many great things have happened, and I feel like all the things that are happening with Denny and my job just feel like what’s meant to be. But, I’m also noticing that I’m no longer in my 20’s. That is to say,  my body is different. This has been the big thing for me. 

I started this job on November 1st, right around the time Denny moved in. All amazing things, and all things going really well, but so much adjusting all at once! And add in the holidays and so much meeting new people and socializing and having to be on point all the time has been exhausting. 

I love myself, I like myself, and I’m happy with who I am. But, like any woman, I’m noticing how my body has changed with all the stress and adjusting. My cortisol levels have been at an all-time high, I’m eating emotionally, and not to mention its been winter and seasonal depression is a very real thing. So I’ve been eating anything I want whenever I want, and pounds have been added. I don’t think I’m fat, or overweight, or ashamed, but its really frustrating! I have to squeeze into my jeans and this has never been a thing for me before! I’m all yoga pants all the time now. 

Also, working from home means I can sit at my desk, look to my left, and my fridge is right there, begging me to get a few steps in and get a cheese stick to snack on to get a break from the screens. That’s what I tell myself, at least. I am definitely not as active in my job as I was at the print shop. 

I know that all of the things I’m going through are completely normal and things that lots of other women go through. Its my first time experiencing some of these things, and its hard to not get frustrated with myself for getting myself to this point. 

Also, I’ve been working towards a strict wfh/be at home life, which means finding ways to not work after work hours. One big aspect of this is turning off my computer, and separating myself from my desk. But then this means I’m not at my computer to write posts, plan hikes, and do all the things I want to do that I can’t just do on my phone. 

Basically, I’m out of balance, and I want to get back into balance. I attempted the “new years resolution” of not setting strict goals and searching for a balanced, healthy life, but I think that’s making it easier to make excuses to put things off and “get to it later.” 

So I’m starting to set some goals for myself. I still much prefer my home workouts over going to the gym so I’m setting a goal to work out 4-5 days a week at home, and now that its getting warmer I can take walks after work for some fresh air and to stretch my legs. 

Then there’s the frustrations around Roaming With Purpose, and feeling unmotivated. My ideas are:

  • On mornings I don’t workout, I get up at the same time and write (like I am now), and feel like I’ve accomplished something before the work day. 
  • After my post-work walks, I can come back to my desk, close out all the work apps, and be in my work space without focusing on work. Might be easier said than done, but its an option. 

It helps to have this all out there, and now I can just let it be until the right thing exposes itself. 

Now to the seasonal depression aspect. It has affected me for a long time, and winter is my least favorite season. It just feels like all the life and energy and Maggie has been sucked out of me. I’m feeling it coming back with the warmer weather and longer days, and that’s a part of why I’m here right now. Writing this. 

Its really like I’m feeling equal parts happy with who I am, and at the same time still not sure who I am. I’m still discovering myself, and that’s an amazing thing, right?! With this warmer weather approaching I can get out and hit the trails and get away from he city! I’m so ready, and now I just have to reset those boundaries and take time for myself. 

I’m still cross stitching, and I want to get back to my sewing machine and learning to quilt. I also have a Skillshare account, and am learning more about storytelling in video and editing 🙂 There’s so much I want to do this year, and I’m finally feeling like I’m pulling myself out of this phase. 

So really, I’m kind of a mess, but also feeling like I’m right where I’m supposed to be, trying to figure it all out. I think the important thing is going to be getting back to taking time for myself each day, and being a little more selfish. 

Tomorrow I’m going on a hike! I’ll probably be solo, which is perfectly fine with me. I like spending time alone! It’ll probably be a trail that I know, and it’ll be early since everyone will be out on the trails tomorrow. The first nice Saturday in months! 

If you’ve read all this way, I appreciate you. This is just the ramblings of someone who really doesn’t have any serious problems in life, and is trying to figure out her place in the world. Ultimately, life is amazing. I have so many friends and family and Denny who love me and care about it, I have a great tiny apartment which is even smaller now with two people in it, I have a job that I’m falling completely in love with. 

Y’all. This is it. I’ve gotten all of this out, I’m going to work on letting it go, and just get back to enjoying life in all its forms, and all my forms! I’m going to be back in a healthy and happy shape that I want to be in in a few weeks, and it’s only up from here. 

I have no clue what life is going to look like coming up, but I’m going to keep close the things that I can, and what I can’t I’m going to work on not stressing over. Easier said than done, I know, but all I can do is do what I can each day. And that will build up to bigger things. 

Rambling again. Thank you for taking the time for this! I do, ultimately, want this space to be more than my journal. It’ll get there 🙂 but I’m not putting pressure on myself to make this space something, and I’m going to let it become what it is in time. 

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